Pumping Iron
Reviewed by Uncle Cliff (2006)

I saw this lying innocently in the bottom of my friend’s DVD box (some people have a shelf, he has a box), and obviously I immediately started to heap scorn and mockery upon him. I mean, a doco featuring Arnie and a bunch of his small-testicled gym buddies crapping on about the virtues of weight-lifting? Why would anyone want to watch that?

Besides from the fact that the sight of serious shave-all-body-hair-and-oil-me-up bodybuilders freaks me out, the whole thing has a strange waft of homoeroticism about it – much in the same way wrestling just seems so…gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that of course, but it’s just funny that these “sports” that are seemingly so macho and followed so passionately by adolescent males are pretty much the most homosexual thing you can do outside of having sex with another man.

Anyway, that was pretty much the diatribe I was launching into when my friend actually put the film on and put me in my place. After 5 minutes I hastily retracted my jibes and jokes. Now I didn’t actually watch this whole thing, but I fucking well intend to. Any description I give can’t do this justice, so maybe I should just let big Arnie do the talking.

From Pumping Iron:

“The greatest feeling you can get in a gym, or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is...The Pump. Let's say you train your biceps. Blood is rushing into your muscles and that's what we call The Pump. Your muscles get a really tight feeling, like your skin is going to explode any minute, and it's really tight – it's like somebody blowing air into it, into your muscle. It just blows up, and it feels really different. It feels fantastic.

“It's as satisfying to me as, uh, cumming is, you know? As, ah, having sex with a woman and cumming. And so can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like getting the feeling of cumming in a gym, I'm getting the feeling of cumming at home, I'm getting the feeling of cumming backstage when I pump up, when I pose in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling, so I am cumming day and night. I mean, it's terrific. Right? So you know, I am in heaven.”

I have nothing more to say.