If Looks Could Kill
It’s time I admit something.
I used to have a crush on Richard Grieco.
Okay, so it wasn’t really a crush, but more like a non-sexual idolisation. At a time in my life when I should have had "Swimsuit Illustrated" models on my walls instead I had posters of Grieco, Corey Haim and Zack from "Saved By The Bell" staring down at me while I slept. But didn’t we all, am I right guys? Didn’t we all?
(crickets chirp)
I guess (somewhat scarily in retrospect) that these were the guys I wanted to be when I got older. Y’know, when I grew up and became a young and handsome hotshot private investigator, or when I moved to a town that was ridden with vampires and I had to stop my brother turning into one, or when I started going to an all-American high school and got up to all sorts of hair-brained schemes like transferring in sexy students from overseas or stealing Mr Belding’s car for a hot date. To my twelve-year-old self these guys had it all. Looks, chicks, excitement, adventure – and Mr Belding’s car. They were cool dudes. They were my Fonzies.
Obviously I also loved "21 Jump Street". I didn’t think anyone could out-cool Johnny Depp’s Detective Hanson, but then came along this Dennis Booker character, and boy was he cool. I mean, just check the hair. Such was their popularity that he and his hair got their own spin-off show, "Booker PI", albeit an unfortunately short-lived one. But that was okay, as it freed him up to take on film roles like If Looks Could Kill.
Some may suspect I’m biased (blinded with love, others may crudely remark) but this film is just as entertaining and funny as it was back in 1991 – which is very. The set up is that all-round cool teen rascal Michael Corben (Richard Grieco in career best form) flunks his final year at high school and can only graduate if he gets extra credit by spending what should be his glorious summer off going along with the geeks in the French Class to viva la France. Now if this film was made today, the premise would end there. Add a Stifler or two, some Good Charlotte-esque punk-lite tunes, and cue token titties and sexual misadventures in a sexy, exotic foreign land yet at the end everyone still learns a valuable lesson about love and friendship and you have a sure-fire hit. (Okay, I was going for the yawn-oh-so-predictable tone there, but that actually sounds quite watchable. Pretend it sounds crap and continue.) – If Looks Could Kill ups the ante from the yawn-oh-so-predictable teen smut film fodder that we get today and actually has a plot, and it’s a corker.
It seems American secret agent, code name: Michael Corben, is catching the same flight as his teen namesake, traveling incognito to France to help out British intelligence bring down some bad guy that is killing people because he wants to make currency with his face on it, or something. One crazy identity mix-up and dead agent later and teen rascal Michael Corben is being stalked by a Jaws-type henchman (the James Bond villain, not the shark you idiot) and courted by British intelligence with all sorts of cool gadgets and a kick-ass car. What’s a guy to do? He keeps up the appearance of being an agent (well, he takes the car), tries to find and rescue his classmates who have been caught up in the mayhem, tries to pick up a pretty British chick that he keeps crossing paths with, and also have a great time in France. And hey, if he stops the bad guy then that’s cool too. Michael Corben basically lives the fantasy of anyone who has ever watched a James Bond film and thought, "Man that’d be cool," and that’s why this adventure appealed so much to me as a youngster, apart from the already documented man-crush I had on the film’s star.
The Bond jokes are of course present and accounted for, including a high-stakes casino stand-off scene, a villainous vixen, and a best friend who shaves in his milkshake (I believe that last one was a From Russia With Love reference). These jokes are a welcome pay-off now that I’ve actually seen most of the Bond series, however I remember pissing myself at them when I didn’t know what a 'Thunderball' was, so you don’t need an extensive "007" vocabulary to enjoy them.
I’m fortunate. More often than not when I go back to revisit something I loved as a kid, that adoration I used to have still holds true. The Goonies is still a great film. The original "He-Man" cartoon still kicks ass. "The A-Team" is still a great…errr…I did said "more often than not". Sure, it’s most likely that I’m enjoying reliving the memories a piece of kitsch like this from my past represents more than actually enjoying the film on a strict "I did Cinema Studies at University and know what verisimilitude is" kind of critical basis here. Which is why when I watched If Looks Could Kill I laughed at all the same exact jokes I did when I was a kid. It also explains why I still think Richard Grieco is as cool as ever, at least the Richard Grieco from 1991 that starred in this hugely enjoyable teen action-comedy is still as cool as ever. The Richard Grieco from today is probably selling his sperm on eBay, but that’s to be expected when you fall from such dizzying heights as starring in your own TV show and adorning the walls of a young boy who thought you out-cooled Johnny Depp.
(and hey, if you think my Grieco thing is weird, just be thankful I didn’t mention the strange affinity I used to have for Jean Claude Van Damme films.)