Gigli
Where to begin?
Okay, well let's start off with the pronunciation. It rhymes with "really". I know this because they say it in the film about forty times. I think it was meant to be a joke. And that in itself is the problem with this film.
After about ten minutes I had my first realisation: this is not a 'so bad it is funny you have to see it to believe it' film. This is a 'so bad you simply shake your head in disbelief talk your way through it and go and have a shower in the middle without pressing pause' kind of film.
An hour in I thought it was a terribly boring character study that was weighed down by too many "guys are like this" and "vaginas are better than a penis because of this" monologues (and I'm talkin about 15 minute monologues on the subject of genitalia). Like I said, boring beyond belief. Each scene seemed pointless and there was absolutely no plot until the last ten minutes of the film (and even then it was questionable).
So I am half way in when I have my second realisation. Something happened which suddenly made me realise I was not watching what I thought I was watching. Like a Usual Suspect's twist I suddenly went over everything I had already seen in my head and it made sense in this new light: the film was SUPPOSED to be a comedy. It honestly hadn't occurred to me up until then. The moment came when the retarded young man they sort of kidnapped and had to watch over (the 'plot' in a nutshell) started dancing badly to the rap song on the radio and yelling rap lingo out in a retarded kind of way. This retarded man was supposed to be the main comedy relief! And we were supposed to laugh at the vagina monologues! They were meant to be snappy! Good grief.
Remember the scene in the previews of Meet Joe Black? The one where Brad Pitt is eating peanut butter and says deadpan, "I certainly enjoy this peanut butter"? Well that is this whole movie. That level of humour. Painful.
Needless to say J-ho and Ass-fleck are terrible. J-ho was meant to be a top assassin who also happens to be a lesbian (but who falls in love with Ass-fleck anyway because she is able to make love to him like he is the woman in the relationship - I kid you not). What she is instead is J-ho wearing next to nothing that strangely is doing yoga in nearly every single scene. There is no hint that she is an assassin except that they tell you that. Nothing. Ass-fleck is the worst gangster in history. And possibly the least convincing Italian ever too. He is meant to be the cold-hearted-hard-assed-no-bull gangster that has his heart warmed by the J-ho. But we only know this because in a 5 minute monologue he tells us he is a hard-assed gangster ("a ganster's gangster" I believe is the quote).
Worst film ever? I'm sure it is not but it has without a doubt some of the worst dialogue ever in film history. I think all involved seriously thought they were making a subversive character piece that would rival Woody Allen for relationship insights. What they have instead is a terribly contrived film that ends with a visit to the set of Baywatch where the retarded man does his crazy dance posing as an extra and flirts with a hot Australian chick that we know he likes because during the film he kept calling up Australian weather services over the phone to hear the recorded female voice and we know he wanted to go to the Baywatch set because he kept saying all through the film at inappropriate times that Baywatch was where the sex is and he wanted to have sex.
And this is, if the music is to be believed, the most poignant moment in the film.
I guess it does have to be seen to be believed after all.