Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
Before Snakes on a Plane there was Ballistic: Ecks VS Sever , another incomprehensively stupid film that spells out exactly what you're going to get in its title. Ecks VS Seve r = Banderas VS Liu. And it's going to be BALLISTIC !!!! (Until of course they predictably team up to stop the real bad guy that set them both up etc., when it really becomes Ecks + Sever VS Evil White Guy , but that's hardly as catchy a title).
I had no idea this film even existed until now. I polled some friends and discovered no one I knew had ever heard of it. I only watched it because I discovered the preview DVD in a box with a bunch of other crap I pillaged from my old video store job and got curious. That was my first mistake.
I propose that only those with a life-crippling Lucy Liu obsession, mixed with a ‘sexy girls with sexy guns' fetish could possible enjoy this movie on any level whatsoever. It's a veritable Lucy Liu fetish fest. We see Lucy Liu with big guns. Lucy Liu with little guns. Lucy Liu with rocket launchers. Lucy Liu with guns in slow motion. Lucy Liu in fast cars. Lucy Liu in exploding cars. Lucy Liu in tight leather. If you just spoofed your dacks from these descriptions alone, then this film is for you, sir.
And as for Antonio…well the kindest thing I can say is that he was almost understandable. It's like he knew that the film was complete shit and didn't even try to pronounce any of his words in protest. The only slight positive I can find about this whole shitheap is that it was nice to see Ray Park kicking around again – although it should be noted that as an actor he makes a great stuntman.
This film is painful to watch when there's nothing exploding, so I guess I should be thankful that there were explosions of some description roughly every eighteen seconds. Still, mid-way through I had to just skip to the climatic ending, anticipating that we would at least get to see Ray Park bust out some Darth Maul moves. Sure enough there is a ‘what say we settle this without guns' fight that lets him loose a little bit that left me asking why this couldn't have been the whole movie: AWESOME: Darth Maul VS Everyone . Now that'd be sweet.