X Men: The Last Stand
Also reviewed by:
Noah K.
WP McCoy
See also:
X2: X-Men 2 (Uncle Cliff)
The word in the geek underworld is that those brilliant people at 20 th Century Fox fast-tracked this third instalment in the X-Men series as a big fat sloppy "fuck you" to former director Brian Singer. The aim was to beat the Superman film he defected to make into cinemas, and steal some of its comic book sheen. Doubt a studio would risk its millions just to spite someone? Well, for starters, it’s X-Men – Woody Allen could direct an instalment and it’d still make a mint. And just look at who they did get to direct it: Brett Ratner. The man who was going to direct Superman Returns before Singer took over. I’m sure there’s a great and very bitchy True Hollywood Story to be told about this, one that no doubt would be far more compelling than the actual movie they ended up with.
Sure, final director Ratner took over only 9 weeks before filming commenced when another director dropped out, so perhaps he can’t be blamed for all the scripting and production transgressions…but the key word there people is "ALL". Visually the man tells a boring fucking story. The only stamp he puts on his work is one that screams of laziness and contempt for the audience. He’s just so fucking…mediocre. Compare the opening sequence of X-Men 2 with any action-oriented passage in The Last Stand and tell me you disagree. Or any other Ratner film for that matter. I’ve seen more interestingly directed daytime movies.
While Singer’s two X adventures had their fair share of plot problems (one thing I can say about The Last Stand is that it didn’t have some corny “machine” they all had to stop to save humanity...yeah, that wasn’t getting old fast), what he absolutely nailed were the characters – except Storm of course. With a performance like Halle’s, the best thing to do was no doubt bury as much of it as possible. X2 shone with the additions of scarred God-fearing Nightcrawler and the ultimate fiery adolescent Pyro while simultaneously expanding the original characters and letting them run free a bit. Except Storm. You gotta cut your losses I suppose.
Fast forward to X3: What the fuck happened to Rogue here? Surely Anna Paquin only had to come to work for a single day for her 2 minutes of screen time. Nightcrawler has disappeared without a trace. Storm is still crap, but can’t blame Ratner for that. The Last Stand is more interested in including new mutants – Angel, Juggernaut, Beast – just to have them fly in and out of a few forgettable scenes (literally in one case), than it is in building on the already established characters.
The first two films, as weighed down as they might be with the massive cast, are clearly Wolverine’s story. In the first film we meet the X-Men as he does, and the second is all about him discovering his past. In The Last Stand his arc stalls dead, and the only other character who comes close to taking the focus of the film is Jean Grey/Phoenix. Only she doesn’t really do anything. She’s a non-character.
The whole notion of Jean Grey’s primal duel persona Phoenix doesn’t really exist in the film except for in exposition. Wow, the most powerful mutant on the planet spends the whole freaking movie standing by Magneto’s side as he gives speeches to hordes of renegade mutants whose only powers seem to be an adherence to wearing leather and having crap tattoos. Sounds, ugh, powerful. Sure, she unleashes some strange turn-everything-to-dust fury twice, but Phoenix, as a character, does nothing, except for dry-hump Wolverine on an operating table, and I don’t even recall her speaking again after that.
Speaking of speaking – fuck me there was a lot of talking in this film! Why show Phoenix actually doing anything when we can just talk, talk, and talk some more about it? There’s a cure for mutants!!! Talk, talk, talk. The girl who can walk through walls feels lonely!!! Talk, talk, talk. Let’s have Magneto hold seven rallies for all his stupid friends and talk, talk, talk some fucking more!
When the action actually does come we get one scene of Phoenix tearing a house apart (contrary to this “pure passion Phoenix” we’ve heard about she actually seems to be something of an invalid during this) and then its basically nothing until the end when, and I’m still recovering from the utter stupidity of this, Magneto moves San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge so his mutant troupe can go to the final battle on Alcatraz island. Yeah.
But back to the shitty leather bound mutants. Why, when making a film with a cannon of hundreds of established and loved characters, would you create your own shitty S & M mutant bad-guy collective? They looked hilariously awful. Did they even have names? Why did one of them look like Prince? A small mercy is that Ratner didn’t come through on his promise of the “slut mutant” – his creation – who possesses the handy power of seducing anyone in sight. Actually come to think of it that may just have made this film remotely interesting.
The Last Stand is actually quite an apt title considering the film tries to make up for its tediousness by – SHOCK! – killing half the cast whilst stripping the other half of their power by the film’s end. Can anyone say “End of Contract”? Seems they were almost cleaning the slate for X-Men: The New Class to come along. And yet Storm remained alive. Go figure.
It’s not that some main characters die that pisses me off, it’s that these deaths are rendered so meaningless by the most insipid writing and direction in a modern comic book adaptation yet. Okay, The Punisher was actually worse, but I was on a roll. Ratner (or HACKner as Internet geek fanboys should really start calling him if they don’t already) just runs from scene to scene throwing awkward exposition around and generally creating a mess of a franchise that for all its faults, has easily been the most entertaining and interesting of the superhero onslaught thus far.
Think I’m being harsh on the guy? There’s a little moment of Ratner’s direction that still has me stunned in disbelief. Professor X, Wolverine and Storm go to Jean Gray’s old house after she has escaped the school, and as they are talking about what they’re going to do the frame pulls back and…DUM DUM DAAAAA!!!! Magneto is standing there, waiting for them with all his henchmen. That’s right, the bad guys were standing within about 3 METRES AWAY, only the heroes did not notice they were there because they were OUT OF FRAME. How is this guy allowed to make movies?
If I were to be pushed to find positives in The Last Stand I could come up with only two: the opening scene, where CG has been used magnificently to de-age Picard and Gandalf for a flashback, and the fleeting geek moment in the climax where Bobby truly turns into the Iceman you’d remember from the comics and cartoons. And that’s it. The other X-Men films aren’t cinematic masterpieces, but I walked away from each with many highlights bouncing around in my head – small character moments, or great action choreography…y’know, the things that make you go,“Cool”. It’s a superhero film. You’re meant to do that a lot. And yet this film only had two of those moments for me. And a whole lot of shit in-between.
I hope to fuck Ratner and Co. don’t get their lacklustre hands on the Wolverine spin-off film. Actually, on second thoughts, I’m not sure I care anymore. For me this franchise is pretty much dead. Bring on Superman. Singer, all is forgiven.