Underworld: Evolution
A note to film director Len Wiseman:
Dear Len,
First off congratulations on your marriage to Kate Beckinsale. She is extremely attractive and realistically could be dating a Hollywood hunk. But instead she chose you. You are a lucky man and I hope the two of you share years of wedded bliss. But the main reason I am writing to you is to discuss your new film Underworld :Evolution.
Now right off the bat I’m gonna go ahead and admit I have never seen Underworld though the pictures of your wife in a shiny black catsuit have caught my eye and I had been meaning to get to it. My girlfriend says it is awesome. So I went into Underworld Evolution as a virgin to the world you were creating. You had me interested from the first scene and the special effects of the guys turning into werewolves, brilliant, Len, really top notch work and very genuine looking, which is good as many films seem to be going down the Star Wars CG route, which I think is crap. It never looks real, even when it’s Gollum, who in my experience is the best CGI character on film thus far. But I really like the realism of the monsters in the film. And the score was very nice too, there was that one piece which is used at the end and earlier in the film which is really nice and gave the film a more reflective feel.
But I’m getting off track. Len, the reason I am writing to you is I have a problem. See, I went to see Underworld: Evolution for one reason. Your wife’s breasts. Here’s a fact: I would not have gone to see this film if I didn’t see the MA rating. The film is rated MA for Strong Violence and Strong Sex Scene. Strong Sex Scene and Kate Beckinsale, I’m in. But you have let me down with the lame ass, unmotivated, un-sexy sex scene. Seriously Len, let the world see your wife’s tits. Don’t hog it all for yourself. That bit where the guy unzips the front of her catsuit and you see a hint of naked skin, I was enthralled. I was with you Len. I was thinking "Oh, yeah, here it comes". I was thinking "MA baby. Strong Sex Scene. They gotta show something to get that." But no, you’ve cleverly hidden her body by shooting in slow motion and having the guy place his arms right in the way. All we end up with is nipple-covered nakedness and a hint of bare hip bone. Len, you let me down.
Now I know it must be weird shooting sex scenes with your wife in them, but if you’re gonna do it, go all the way. Don’t tease us with implied Beckinsale naked-ness. Seriously, even my girlfriend was like "Man, I thought they’d show some tit at least." Some guy behind me walked out right after that scene. He cracked it, dropped his popcorn to the sticky floor and walked out and you know what he said, Len? He said "Oh, that is bull shit." And he is right. It is bullshit. Every person who sees this film will feel dudded. Don’t mess us around with your MA rated Strong Sex Scene, show us naked Kate or nothing at all. Oh, and you use flashbacks far too much, your storyline was slightly convoluted and why did the guy throw like four paint tins at the window when he could have just painted it with one. Seriously Len.
Thanks for your time, once again congratulations on the marrying up thing, hope you have many years of glorious sex with Kate Beckinsale, who is someone I will never get to see naked.
Party on, buddy.
P.S. Say hi to Kate for me.