Tropfest 2006
I’m gonna hold off on the jilted Crapfest rant about how the festival doesn’t cater to amateurs anymore, or about how it all seems like an incestuous little group where your film gets in as long as you have a b-grade celeb in the mix, or the offspring of one, or about how there always seems to be the same 4 or 5 pretentious uni-student drama films in the mix each year, and just go into slagging the films that made the final cut instead of mine. Well, I’ll be slagging off some of them. A few were actually good. One made me want to slit my own throat. Find out which!!!
A Room With Askew
Director: Gregory Godhard
Firstly, big up respect to any short animation. It’s gotta take a shitload of time and incredible imagination to produce a good piece of animated art, and as recent Oscar winners and nominees have shown, young Aussies are kicking some ass in the field.
However, and you knew there was a ‘however’ coming, short animations can rely on their novelty a little too hard so that they don’t exactly have to be structurally sound, and nonsensical stuff like this just recalls the hilarious Attention, il est Myron claymation skit from The Micallef Pogram.
It must be pretty easy for someone to spend 2 years making something like this and just slip in the signature Tropfest item – this year a bubble – by altering a single frame at the last minute, although I guess the same could be said about the live-action mob. Some films this year had the signature item in their credits…what’s the fucking point?
Sure this muddled short may not be engaging, but I’m always interested in animation and tip my hat at any attempt. Unfortunately for A Room With Askew there was another animated short selected that kicked its ass and really showed up its weaknesses.
Applause
Director: Michael Noonan
Look, I don’t wanna bag these one-trick pony quirky Tropfest comedies too much, because really, what the fuck else are you gonna do in seven minutes? Still, watching the Tropfest DVD can feel a lot like listening to Triple J – vacuous novelty after vacuous novelty.
Applause is an obvious Amelie wannabe, where they have tried to take that film’s wit and charm and squished and squashed it down, leaving nothing but the showy eccentricities. About a employer who installs a new motivational tool in the office of an employee, a live audience that cheers him when he works, and jeers him when he does not, the filmmakers went so far down the Amelie path as actually having the narration in French with SBS-inspired English subtitles – a cute idea, but since they never actually pulled the piss out of that format it kind of gives off a slight waft of pretentiousness. The story also doesn’t actually make total sense, even within its own surreal parameters, and while the idea is a – again I am forced to turn to the ‘c’ word – very cute one, it runs out of places to go pretty quickly and feels stretched out even at 7 minutes. Good ending though. Brave choice not to go for the ha-ha joke and instead throw something interesting in the mix.
This is not worthy of any real scorn. It may not be in the ‘good’ category but it is far, far from the crap of the bunch.
Burst
Director: Juliet Lamont
If making a quality 7 minute comedy is difficult, it has to be near impossible to make a quality 7-minute drama of any real substance, which is the only explanation I will accept for pretentious trite like this making the cut. The film looks great, and the cinematographer should have a great career ahead of him/her – if they are not already a professional DP that is….this is Tropfest after all, you can’t be sure – but behind the window dressing is a fucking boring tale, although I hesitate to even use the word ‘tale’, because the script must have been about three sentences long. Woman (Zam Weasel from frickin Star Wars) and young girl go to see a crazy old man who hides wordlessly behind his front door. I would wager that this whole project came out if a single image rather than a story they wanted to tell: an old man blowing bubbles under a door at a young girl. There’s the signature fulfilled, now what do we do for the other 6 minutes? Lets just have the characters sitting at a train station. That’s poignant.
Through the whole film, I was begging them not to reduce themselves to spelling out exactly what was going on – if you’re gonna have a nice looking but wanky fluff, arty piece then at least go all out and make it indecipherable art like A Room With Askew – but when the old man predictably opened the door and the lady muttered the fucking obvious “Hi Dad,” it sank itself into sure-fire eye-rolling saccharine shit. By the look of it they sure spent a lot of cashola on this one…do they just let films over a certain budget in without watching them? Won second place.
Carmichael & Shane
Director: Alex Weinress/Rob Carlton
Shot 1: “My advice to any father with twins – pick a favourite.”
Shot 2: “You gotta pick a favourite, because you don’t wanna end up with two losers!”
Shot 3: “So do you want two losers, or one winner and one loser?”
Shot 4: “I’ve got limited resources, so better to invest in just one. Don’t want two losers!!!”
Shot 5: “I’ve named the loser Shane cuz there’s no Shanes in parliament, is there? I really, really don’t want two losers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
And there you have a Tropfest winner. I shit you not. Idea might have elicited a mild guffaw the first time, but how did the judges not realise this is a one-joke flick with nothing else to offer? And did I read that they wanted to turn this into a TV show? Are you fucking mad??? How many other ways can they deliver the same fucking gag?
My conspiracy theory is that the co-director/actor is a Tropfest teacher’s pet. Dig a touch deeper and I’m sure you can make some connections. Is it a coincidence that he acts in TWO of the finalists??? If not, then it must have just been the “cute kids” angle that won this for him. Otherwise I’m just fucking baffled. At least the absolutely shithouse looking mockumentary style of this film gives other filmmakers a dash of hope that, unlike a few other finalists, you don’t have to spend 20 grand on your film to secure a place.
Carnivore Reflux
Directors: Eddie White/James Calvert
Fucking great animation. If these chaps aren’t already working on film clips and ads then they should be. For the most part the Dr Seuss-like narration is suburb (courtesy of John “Play School” Waters himself) and weaves a funny and whimsical tale. If this was a few minutes shorter it would have been brilliant, but it is a style that tires a touch as the minutes roll on. As I said before, I am easily impressed by short animation but this fucking blew me away. Too good for Tropfest really, so no surprise it wasn’t honoured.
Fishy
Director: Dale Sidney
Not sure what to make of this one. Was the crime of being boring for 6 minutes redeemed by a single great reveal in the final shot? It’s like if The Sixth Sense was just two hours of Bruce Willis having dinner with his wife before you found out he was a ghost. I guess leaving you with a ending like that makes it stick out in your mind, but personally I felt the reveal wasn’t any more disturbing than a freaky guy feeding a fish for five minutes.
For me it was wayyyy too long for something so simple, and I felt every second of it tick by.
Glitch
Director: Leon Ford
Another one off the Quirk-O-Matron 2000 assembly line. Another cute comedic idea that seems content not to stretch its premise lest it snap.
On the upside, this looks like it would have been a lot of fun to make. Every dodgy in-camera trick in the book is used to create some, assumedly purposefully, dodgy effects and gags. Like the fish one, it’s a simple premise that gets milked and milked until all is revealed, and once again it’s quite a good reveal, but the journey there could have been a lot more interesting.
Not too clever, mildly enjoyable, non-offensive, middle-of-the-road forgettable comedy.
Goggles
Director: Olivia Peniston-Bird
This short looks fucking amazing. Pity its pure shite. This is the short-film equivalent to chewing Hubba Bubba: something so ridiculously sweet that runs out of flavour so very quickly. Could not be more syrupy. Note to self and future entrants: cute kids = Tropfest success. You don’t even need a script!!!
I’m off to the local kindergarten with my video camera!
How Many Doctors Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Director: Marie Patane
In fairness to this film, I have never been placed in stirrups and had my vagina examined and thus most likely cannot identify too strongly with this film’s sense of humour, so I will put down my knives for this one. I guess the male equivalent of an gynaecological visit would be getting a prostrate exam, although I have not had one of those either, and when I did hear former Neighbours star Craig McLaughlan do an entire stand-up comedy routine about it, I didn’t hear any other men laughing.
This also featured the Best Film co-director/actor of Carmichael & Shane in an acting role as a doctor, funnier here than in his own film if you ask me. Not a bad idea, and silly enough to have some appeal, but the best comedy? There must have been funnier, more subversive, more daring comedy shorts in the hundreds of entries they received. If not, then Australian short filmmakers need to take a good, long hard look at themselves.
Last Stop
Director: Greg Williams
Now this is more like it. A man of middle-eastern appearance leaves his bag on a tram leaving the remaining passengers shaken and suspicious. Great idea. Smart, topical, daring and darkly funny. Never excels in these categories, mind you, but the fact that they are present at all elevates it higher than most of the 2006 batch of crap.
Never overstays its welcome, and with good performances from its large, well-cast group of actors, this film is a shining example of what you can do with a great idea, a good script and a big budget (they hired a tram for frick’s sake) and thus makes it a sore thumb amidst other shorts that seem to only have one of those things, a few maybe with two.
Pacific
Director: Peter Carstairs
Some more sappy sentimental well-shot over-funded crap. What the fuck is with all the father-issues in Tropfest entries? After meeting a character we establish his absentee dad obviously causes him some angst – all in about twenty seconds – and then he meets a stranger who teaches him how to fish – just like daddy never did. All together now: ‘Awwwwww’.
“What kind of fish is that?”
“It’s your fish son, it’s your fish.”
Tears. Hugging. Bullshit.
Goddamn these pathetic short dramas are embarrassing to watch. It’d be one thing if they ever actually tried to say something, but they all seem so carefully calculated to be dripping with emotion that any sentimentality is automatically undercut.
Oh, and the boy is played by Hugo Weaving’s son. Interesting titbit, no?
Silencer
Director: Frazer Bailey
Can’t even muster up any real enthusiasm to talk about this. Here’s the synopsis cut-n-pasted from the website:
“A secret rendezvous. A loaded gun. A most unexpected arrival. Nobody said it was easy offing your best mate. Beware the thoughts of ordinary evil men.”
What it doesn’t tell you is that while these men are talking they have speech bubbles above their heads showing us their thoughts – and here’s the kicker – the other man can also see them! At first I thought it had potential – or at least I was relieved that they were bringing something new to the Aussie gangster genre – but this gets stupider every second. A lesson in how to abuse the signature concept in an unfunny fashion and still make the top 16. Won best cinematography when I think there was probably half a dozen better candidates.
Snakepit
Director: Janos Zuzmara
Ahhhh, the spurned finalist. I like this just because they made Tropfest look bad. They discovered that this film was actually a shortened version of an existing film, and thus ineligible under Tropfest rules…mind you this was discovered AFTER the printing and distribution of tens of thousands of Tropfest DVDs. Well done guys, well done.
The film itself is so incredibly shit you have to wonder if the makers didn’t cheat further in getting it included as a finalist. Blowjobs? Crack? Hos? They must have done something, because by itself this is a fucking annoying 6-and-a-half minute documentary where a squealing cameraman is shown snakes by a snake handler. That’s it. The snake handler doesn’t even have a colourful disposition, although they were probably hoping he had some Steve Irwin ocker charisma…maybe it was lost in the edit from the longer version.
And you just want to slap the cameraman.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…snake….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!”
“He’s not gonna get you…he might bite me, but not you…now check out this little guy.”
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…snake. Snake!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhh!!!!!”
How does this fuck-knuckle walk into a snake enclosure of a snake handler and still seem surprised when he sees a snake?
“Now this guy here is one of my fav---“
“Ahhhhhhhh!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Fucking snake!!!!!!!!!”
Repeat to fade.
The Sister
Director: Belinda King
This. Is. The. Worst. Piece. Of. Shit. I. Have. Ever. Seen.
Ever.
EVER!
You can easily slip into hyperbole after a bad flick – being so pissed off at wasting your hard-earned at the cinema that you will brand something the “worst thing I’ve ever seen” – but this is no exaggeration. The Sister is the worst “film” I have ever watched. Period. Up until seeing this moment the utterly pointless Kids took that mantle, but we have a new crowned Queen of Crap, and her name is Belinda King.
This making the finals is an insult to anybody who has seen it, let alone put effort into making – creating – something. I can understand Carmichael & Shane winning if the judges happened to watch that immediately after viewing The Sister, because after this anything would have seemed like fucking Fellini by comparison.
An embarrassing excuse for a short film, I practically had to watch this between my fingers, and yet it was a bit like driving past a car accident – such a grotesque bloody mess that you can’t look away. I had to show it to a few people, just to share my pain, and watch it a few more times in a fit of sado-masochism, just because I could not understand HOW THE FUCK ANYONE WATCHED THIS AND DID NOT FEEL PHYSICALLY ILL? Not because anything too disgusting takes place, but just because every single aspect of this short is fucking vomit incarnate.
Sometimes something happens that is so contrary to logic, rationale, and good taste that the human mind refuses to fathom it. This could explain how despite repeatedly reading it, and people telling me it, I still refuse to believe that SHE FUCKING WON BEST ACTRESS FOR THIS. Are you fucking kidding me? You could not find me an actor alive or dead who could have pulled off that abysmal dialogue. Oh – but it is based on a true story, and she is playing herself, so I guess such a personal tale is untouchable and to be applauded. I mean, this woman is just standing up for all belittled sisters everywhere, am I right ladies? It’s about time that the frumpy-sisters-with-inferiority-complex minority group got a mouthpiece to voice their important concerns. They’ve been getting it rough for a while now.
And worst of all, this film was meant to be…funny? I could almost laugh at it if it were purporting to be a straight drama, but as a comedy it is just depressing. Depressing primarily because it reached such a level of acclaim at Crapfest. Perhaps my revulsion is misdirected. After all, it’s not the filmmaker’s fault she is shit. No, wait, it is.
I can’t even bring myself to write a vague synopsis of this shit without acidic reflux tickling the back of my throat. I have to go throw-up now.
The Story Of Bubbleboy
Director: Sean Ascroft
I really liked this one. It’s patchy but there are some great ideas in here and interesting direction, even if the director does seem to wear his influences on his sleeve. Cinematography and music was also excellent.
Some sense seems to have prevailed and this took out joint 3 rd place prize with Fishy. Should have been higher. If I hadn’t cracked my Tropfest DVD into a million pieces after the last time I watched The Sister then I would most definitely watch this again.
Tough Crowd
Director: Patrick Gillies
I enjoyed one half of this. Exactly one half. Whenever the mime was on, this was great. Whenever they crossed the 180 degree line and showed us the “young girl” (the same actor in a wig – very Aphex Twin) just repeating what seemed to be slight variations of the same shot of “her” sticking “her” finger up at the mime it turned very mundane indeed. And yet, due to its company, still one of the best on offer.
So there you have it. Despite any harsh words, I do want to add that Tropfest plays a pivotal role in creating awareness of the once-dying amateur short film, and any filmmakers out there striving to create short films need to be encouraged and supported. Except for the director of The Sister.