Transformers
A fondly remembered kids TV show based on a innovative series of toys that together were one of the big fads of the 80s may not seem like the perfect film for film jock Michael Bay to get his destruction-explosions loving hands on…until you find out what cartoon show that is. Giant alien robots using earth as their battleground? Finally a perfect marriage for the man who tried to turn the bombing of Pearl Harbor into something that resembled a video game.
Well most people seems to think so anyway. The screening I saw the film at – a few weeks after release – people applauded. Hell it was nearly a standing ovation. I haven’t seen crowd reactions like that since I visited the States. Friends weren’t shy in gushing how much they loved the film – "it’s got everything" was the common phrase. Action. Romance. Laughs. Everything.
It was mostly crap, of course.
I get why people dig it as far as mindless entertainment goes. It’s a big screen event that doesn’t take itself seriously. And how could it lose really? Transformers may be revered by many, but it ain’t exactly Lord of the Rings is it? Even the hardcore Transformers geeks would struggle to put together a coherent plot of the cartoon past "well the Decepticons battle the Autobots over these things called Energon Cubes, right?" They, like everyone else liked it for the idea of cool car robots fighting. So even they’re not about to get upset when Bay has Bumbelbee in a series of petrol-as-pee gag pratfalls.
The film starts as horribly blunt as any Bay piece before it – an evil Transformer killing soldiers in the middle east in some half-arsed Iraq war/terrorism statement while a bunch of Starship Trooper type mindless soldiers (without the irony) run around yelling dumb things out.
Luckily we change tact and move to what threatens to be a half decent flick as it becomes a very Spielbergian tale of a boy and his car…his alien car. If you’re thinking E.T. you’re on the right track as they’ve basically just photocopied some of those scenes but superimposed a giant yellow robot in place of a small wrinkly alien. Boy forms attachment…only boy can understand…alien captured by government forces…you get the point.
Then other Autobots join in (including one called Jazz that break-dances and speaks in utterly racist ‘jive’ talk) and we’re treated to a twenty minute gag sequence (or what felt like twenty minutes…) that basically revolves around the deeply stupid yet kindda amusing set-up of the boy hiding these mammoth robots around his house so his parents don’t find out.
Bay holds out on his "action! Action! ACTION!" impulses for as long as possible, but the end 40 minutes is basically an orgy of metal rolling around demolishing a city - basically an orgy of metal tumbling around on screen - and for something that looks like it cost a million bucks a second you really can’t tell who is who or what the crap is going on, except someone of course screams out "run! Run!" every second.
Shia LeBouf, this new "it boy" is actually pretty damn good considering the script he was working off, especially with the character’s nervous humour. The chick, whoever the hell she is, is absolutely amazing. Possibly the worst actor ever, but absolutely amazing nonetheless.
If you think about any of the story for a second it’ll hurt your brain it’s that dumb – why when they were hiding in a secret liar did they then decide to run out into the open city – and why did Sam have to get the cube up the top of a building when the baddies could all fly. And why…oh never mind…none of it made a lick of damn sense.