Poolhall Junkies
This is potentially one of the coolest films ever. I say potentially because I have never heard any audio from the film. I was out at a bar recently and this movies was playing on the back wall. There was no sound. But, this could be one of the coolest films ever. I’ll tell you what happens, from what I could gather:
There’s this guy and all he does all day and night is play pool. He’s unemployed, but he knows the old guy who owns the pool hall, Old Reg. Reg lets this guy play pool for free. And this guy just does trick shots and shit all day, practices getting three balls in at once and all that. So, one day he’s going about his crap when who walks in but Chazz Palminteri. Chazz, being the cool guy he is, he strolls in, sees our guy and he’s like:
‘Yeah, man, you’re not bad. But you think you can beat Ricky Schroeder?’ And out walks Close Encounters himself, little Ricky Schroeder all growed up and carrying a pool stick. Schroeder doesn’t say shit, he just strolls up to the table and gets set to whip our guy’s ass. But our guy, he just laughs and gets himself set to kick the shit out of alien boy. But then it takes another turn when who else but Mister Christopher Walken strolls in, like his legs are working independently of his body.
‘Yo, Chazz. I’ll back Mr. Pool Hall here.’ Says Walken. I know what you’re thinking, where the fuck is this poll hall that the Chazz and Walken are just hanging out at, as well as some guy who just takes fluke shots and talks shit to himself all day? I don’t know, but right at this point the film is like one Christopher Lambert appearance away from being the feelgood hit of the summer.
So Chazz and Walken put their bets down and Schroeder and Mr. Pool go at it. Every now and then they cut to Old Reg whose like shaking his head and can’t take the pressure of the match. Schroeder is actually good and Chazz looks like he might have it in the bag. Chazz is all smiling and nodding, like when he thinks he smarter than Verbal Kint in The Usual Suspects. But we all know what happened in that film, so you can’t just believe Chazz has got it made. Especially when he’s up against Walken. I comes down to the final shots and Pool Guy arcs up.
POOL GUY
Hey, Schroeder, you were fucking shit in Seaquest DSV
RICKY SCHROEDER
(Completely put off his game)
FUCK YOU. I was never in FUCKING Seaquest. That was Jonathan Brandis.
THE CHAZZ
(Pointing at Pool Guy)
Hey fuck you. Brandis is dead. How dare you insult his name. You have no idea about Brandis. Have you even seen the Never Ending Story II? You fucking pool hall monkey, play the damn game and keep your mouth shut.
Walken is watching all this, as amused as Rick Solomon watching himself jam Paris Hilton on ‘One Night in Paris’. Schroeder, obviously shaken, slips up. Pool Guy takes his shot, but he screws the pooch too. But then another twist, Pool Guy says ‘I got two, remember?’ Schroeder can’t remember, he’s too pissed off. Chazz can’t remember, he’s to hazy thinking about Jonathan Brandis. Walken remembers perfectly, but he ain’t saying shit. And Pool Guy wins the game with one of the dodgiest poll hall moves ever captured on film. And that’s the end.
Awesome.
Of course, it could be a completely different film if you listen to the actual story or whatever. I recommend people hire this and if it is shit, just turn the sound down and see my story come to life, like that Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon Wizard of Oz shit.
And make sure you watch the credits cause there’s an extra scene where some guys are paying some chick to feel her tits in the toilets. And one of the guys is Ernie Reyes Jnr. Ernie who? Ever heard of a film called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze? What about a little film called Surf Ninjas? Look that shit up and you’ll find out who Ernie Reyes Jnr. is.