Elizabethtown

Elizabethtown

Everyone has at least one person who just shits them. Maybe it’s someone you work with, someone you went to school with, a relative you see at Christmas. Everyone has one person who they just try to avoid as much as they can. Someone who just makes you want to punch them in the face. Hard. If people were films, Elizabethtown would be that person.

I fucking hate this film.

Every character is selfish, childish and ridiculous. I wanted to hurt every one of them. With a crowbar. From first to last scene this film is an insult to everyone. I can honestly see no reason why anyone would give this film any credit for anything. Just bad. On every level.

So the story follows Orlando Bloom, who can really only play one type of person, and there’s only so far staring into the camera for long stretches can get you. Legolas works at a shoe company and he designs a shoe which is a major flop. Someone, this makes him personally responsible for losing one billion dollars. How he is personally to blame for this is never made clear. So he’s going to kill himself. My fucking God, I wish he had. But before he stabs himself he gets a call saying his Dad has died, so in his heart of hearts he decides the best thing to do would be to go take care of funeral arrangements then kill himself. Fuck I hate Legolas.

Legolas gets on a plane and meets some ditzy chick with’ a heart of gold’ (helll-lo Almost Famous). Let’s call this ditz dipshit (Dunst). Dipshit gives Legs her phone number and later he calls and they talk all night (how romantic) because he is going through his crisis. Meanwhile his fucking Dad has died and Legs can only think of him- fucking-self.

The film gets a million times worse till the climax which is one of the most insulting and disgusting scenes ever put on film. In this scene, Susan Sarandon does a stand up comedy routine at her dead husband’s funeral. And it’s even worse than it sounds. It is totally fucked up. But then, the film just keeps on going, like The Little Engine That Wouldn’t Fuck Off. And amazingly, it keeps getting worse.

This is one of the worst things I have ever seen. And I have seen Gigli and Wild Wild West and The Punisher. If I ever see Cameron Crowe I’m going to kick him in the nuts then run him over. Then drop an elbow into him. Then donkey punch his wife. Then put his daughter in a bin and throw it off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theatre. Will she explode, Dave? Maybe we should ask Kirsten Dunst, or Legolas, or anyone else associated with this piece of shit. This is what you deserve for making this shite and wasting my fucking time.