Da Vinci Code, The
Firstly, I had planned on never seeing this film. I said the same about reading the book but curiosity got the better of me and I found out that despite Mr. Brown’s awkward phrasing, stale dialogue, piss-weak puzzles (It’s an anagram! It’s written backwards! Diabolical!), paper-thin characters (world’s biggest cop out to describe your character as looking just like a movie star), and a penchant for "lending" ideas straight from a series of other books (although not according to the British legal system), he has quite a talent for creating a decent page-turning thriller. I’d love to tear it to pieces on the quality of the writing alone but I recognise I’m no Judy Blume myself - as you have no doubt discovered – and plus, it’s actually pretty damn impressive to create any story that has a cliff-hanger occurring every two or three pages, and that (right or wrong) resonates with billions of readers around the world.
Even so, once I finished the book I was left with a ‘that’s it?’ feeling. That’s the most popular book of the last decade? That’s what all the controversy is about? Reading it wasn’t the worst way to spend a lunch break or three but I finished it with no desire to read any other Brown book, and especially no inclination to see the inevitable Hollywood adaptation.
(So why’d I see it? Skip to the end to find out! It’s bound to be zany!)
If you are in the minority, one of those "fuck the system" individuals who have resisted the pressure of reading this as another of your little rebellions no one else cares about, then don’t lapse now and watch the film. Don’t even do it to see what all the controversy is about, because y’know what? The filmmakers are a bunch of FUCKING PUSSIES!!!! They’ve totally diluted the attacks on Christianity and play it nice and safe, treading softly over most of the bits that would cause the fundamentalists to abandon their usual posts at the abortion clinic and head to picket their local cinema instead.
Hanks’ character Langdon, who in the book has the main purpose to explain all the theories and myths about the grail, Knights Templar, etc, now DISAGREES with all of them, and ARGUES the point with another scholar (who happens to be the big bad guy, which means his argument is evil and not to be believed I imagine.). What the fuck? Take that away and his character has absolutely no point to being in the fucking film now you fucking idiots. Langdon doesn’t even seem to know much about anything except solving anagrams, which means instead of some world expert on religious symbols the hero of the film could really have been any senior citizen that enjoys a good crossword.
All poor Audrey Tautou gets to do is to look pretty until someone else craps on about something historical, and then she tries to clear it up for the retards in the audience that don’t understand big words, beginning every sentence with "Wait a minute…", or "Hold on…", and saying things like "Wait a minute, are you saying that Jesus was a dinosaur and was caught on video on Spring Break posing topless for cash?" (made up example – not wanting to spoil the film for the 8 people who haven’t read the book).
As for Ron Howard’s direction…the nicest thing I can say, and this goes for all his movies that I have seen, is that someday in the future when they program computers to make perfectly competent movies without a single stamp of original creativity the films will look just like his. His visual storytelling style serves the story just fine; never gets in the way, and some might consider it a skill and refreshing to find a director who doesn’t want to show-off, but I find it pretty damn dreary. There’s just to atmosphere, no pace, no energy here to speak of. He has created a thriller without a pulse – and one that shows up each and every single one of the book’s flaws magnified on screen.
So, that’s the review, here’s my story:
I found myself in the video store yesterday with two new releases searching for a third that was only going to cost me another buck. I was scanning the wall when I heard someone yapping on about something behind me. With horror I turned to find no one else around except for this middle-aged fat dude guy who was staring at me for an answer.
"Um, sorry?"
"I said do you know who Yao Ming is?"
"Uh, yeah. He plays basketball."
"Tall guy, isn’t he?"
"Uh, yeah."
I tried at this point to move but he just followed me.
"You don’t believe me do you?"
He was getting kindda angry now.
"What?"
"You think I’m lying? The guy is tall. Massive. He’s a big, big guy!"
"Okay, sure."
At this the man snorted and disappeared. I sighed my relief and moved onto a bay on the other side of the store to check out the soft porn new releases. To my delight there were a few new ones. I was studying the back covers trying to decide which had the best plot when -
"SEE! CHECK THIS OUT THEN!"
I jumped and turned and the man has the DVD cover of a documentary on Yao Ming shoved in my face.
"See how big he is??? Look here, on the back, they’ve got a picture of a normal guy next to Yao Ming and you can clearly see Yao Ming is much, much taller!"
"Okay, yes, he’s big, I know."
The man smiled like he had just won a highly contested debate and relaxed somewhat.
"Yes he is. Did you know who at the last Olympics led China’s team out, who carried the flag?"
I had a feeling I knew the answer, but instead for some reason I said: "Um, some gymnast maybe?"
"WHAT? NO! NOT SOME GYMNAST. YAO MING. YAO MING CARRIED THE CHINESE FLAG. YOU COULD TELL IT WAS HIM BECAUSE HE WAS REALLY REALLY TALL!!! DON’T YOU KNOW HOW TALL HE IS???"
At this I grabbed the nearest DVD and ran to the counter. As I paid I saw him approach two teen boys with skateboards holding the Yao Ming DVD cover. And that is the story of how I ended up hiring The Da Vinci Code when I never ever really wanted to see it at all.
THE END