Batman Begins

Batman Begins

Also reviewed by:
Uncle Cliff

Batman would have to be one of the world's most difficult characters to adapt to the screen. In comic books he is the darkest, most disturbed superhero – a gothic, film noir vision of vengeance. In the movies he is a man who dresses up in tights, pitches his voice low and throws boomerangs at bad guys – a sight so ridiculous that it can only be pulled off with a perfect script, director and performance.

At first I thought Batman Begins was well written. I found the idea of Bruce Wayne in a foreign prison, training at such a grass roots level of a destiny that he isn't even aware of yet, as an original and edgy interpretation of Batman's origin. When Liam Neeson's character appeared and begun training him in the martial arts I thought, "Interesting mentor scenario". The entire monastery portion of the film was still a mess, but at this point I was chalking up the faults to bad pace in the editing, that someone had cut scenes too soon and chopped up larger sequences so they could get to the Batman part as soon as possible.

But the problems didn't stop there. I couldn't believe how completely uneventful the return of Bruce Wayne was. Everyone who knows him believes him to be dead, and when Alfred, the man who raised him, finds out he's alive, he barely bats an eyelid. He just jumps in the jet and flies on over to Nepal to pick him up. "And what's that, Master Bruce? You want to become a vigilante? What a great idea Master Bruce." It left me wondering why Alfred had been included in the film at all. Surely it would have added more drama, and made more sense, for Alfred to at least be against the idea of Batman.

Then there was the half-hearted attempt to imbue the Bat persona with childhood relevance. It was an interesting attempt to diffuse the silliness of a man dressing up as a bat, but it felt slapped on. It could have fit in really well with the subtext of the film – how people deal with fear. That is if the subtext had not been drowned out by the mindless action movie plotline.

That fucking Bat Tank. They should have renamed the film Bat–mobile Begins. Literally some of the worst action movie quotes I have ever heard came pouring out of characters mouths when that thing rolled onto the screen.

The threat of a microwave–whatever machine vaporising all the water in Gotham and thus spreading a fear gas made me look back on some of Schumacher's Batman plotlines as classic. How stupid a threat is that? Could you possibly think of a more convoluted and impossible danger for a city to be in? Why even make it a whole city that is in trouble anyway? This is meant to be a personal story about a man who is so shattered by the events of his past that he cuts himself off from people entirely, becoming a faceless force of revenge. Surely a far more personal threat, like the death of a loved one, would have more impact?

Okay, his childhood girlfriend was in danger, but who cares? That love story was so bad it made porno seem sentimental. It was almost as bad as the revelation that Ra's Al Ghul caused the poverty that drove that mugger to kill Bruce Wayne's parents. Wow. Now Batman must really hate him. I've heard of six degrees of separation, but six degrees of vengeance? What a crock.

And to top it all off, Batman looked like total shit. When he put on that suit I couldn't believe that I had been looking forward to this movie. Call me crazy, but I always pictured Batman wearing a lot less lipstick.

I really wonder if a good Batman film is possible.